UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE

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Archive for the category “Miscellaneous Ramblings”

24 Dec 2011

A Little Christmas Story…


When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’ 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

Not a lot of people know this.

Merry Ho Ho

Steve 🙂

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11 Dec 2011

Lexus: Delusions to Remember

With the Christmas season upon us, no doubt you’ve seen those preposterous Lexus “December to Remember” TV commercials that are all over the airwaves.  You know the ones where the girl gives the guy a brand new Lexus with a big red bow on it as a Christmas gift.

First off, who are these astonishingly pompous people and how can I find them and get on the gift list? Seriously, is this act of ultra-extravagant gift-giving commonplace somewhere we common folk don’t know about? What the hell happened to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?!?

Just imagine the alternate reality of dating one of these Diva’s? She queues up the faint sound of Silent Night, dims the house lights, sets the Christmas lights to extra sparkle and leads you (like a Vogue model Elf) to the driveway where your brand spanking shiny new Lexus is red-bowed and awaiting your butt cheeks.

At first glance you think “NO WAY UNBELIEVABLY FREAK’N AWESOME YOU ARE THE BEST!!!” Then, 3.4 seconds later you think, “Crap, I don’t have anything that even remotely compares to this! Doesn’t matter that her mitten/scarf set is from K-Mart’s new Sophia Vegara line, she’s still gonna think I’m a schlub.” See photo for this precise moment when joy left his body.

And so it begins… From this moment on, you will forever have to raise your gift giving game to humongous heights or suffer deep-seated woefully inadequate schlub feelings.

How about stocking stuffers? Your Ms. Claus has your Presidential-looking stocking stuffed with a variety of Robb Reports recommended gifts for the fashionably elite; Patek Philippe watch, Gold & Diamond iPhone, Gucci wallet, Habano Cuban cigars and 2 luxury-suite box seats to the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, you stuffed her sorry sad sack with a deodorant stick, a thong and a small bottle of CVS brand body lotion. Schlub.

Roses for your anniversary? Only if you want to officially carve your Schlubery in stone. After all, last year she bought you a quaint Italian restaurant, personal chef, wine cellar and virtuoso violinist. Bitch.

Should you find yourself in this predicament, unable to side-step the wealth of riches granted upon you, try and make the best of it. At times, you may be uncomfortable flaunting your new Lexus to the less fortunate and those struggling in todays down economy but just grin and bear it.  ‘Tis The Season after all.

Happy Ho Ho! 🙂

Steve

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