FIREWORKS ANONYMOUS
Every year, millions of otherwise rational Americans walk into a fireworks store looking for a modest $50 assortment pack. Thirty minutes later, they’re loading enough explosives into the back of their pickup truck to invade a small country.
That’s why I created Fireworks Anonymous. FA is a safe place where impulsive people can finally admit they have a problem:
“Hi, I’m Dave…”
“Hi, Dave.”
“I only stopped in for sparklers.”
The room nods knowingly.
“Then the cashier mentioned you have a ‘Buy One Freedom Blast 9000, Get One Half Off’ special.”
Several members quietly wipe away tears.
Another member stands…
“My name is Karen…”
“Hi, Karen.”
“I spent more on fireworks last 4th of July than I spent on my refrigerator.”
No one judges. Someone simply hands her a tissue.
Just as the meeting is about to adjourn, the door slowly creaks open. A nervous looking man cautiously peeks inside. He startles when someone accidentally drops a spoon in the back of the room.
“It’s okay,” the group leader says gently. “You’re safe here.”
The man slowly sits down, glancing suspiciously at every backpack in the room.
“First meeting?” someone asks.
He nods. “My name’s Mike…”
“Hi, Mike.”
“I haven’t heard a loud bang in almost twelve hours.”
The room erupts in applause. Mike dives behind nearby chairs.
An older member pats him on the shoulder. “It gets better,” he says. “By Labor Day, you’ll only flinch when someone lights a charcoal grill.”
The meeting concludes with everyone’s favorite affirmation:
“Grant me the serenity to enjoy the fireworks I already own, the courage to walk past the Buy One Get One display, and the wisdom to remember that my neighbors probably don’t need a 37-minute grand finale.”
The next meeting is scheduled for July 6th… right after everyone checks to see what’s left on clearance.
Steve
UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE 