UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
You Can Dance If You Want To
A Little Christmas Story…
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Merry Ho Ho
Steve 🙂
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly…
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,
BiLLY
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a friggin book so you can learn to read and write? I’m
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. . Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. . .
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
could I have one? ? ?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney-ass begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater, AGAIN ! ! ! !
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”; that’s why you’re getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in
a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE 