UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
You Can Dance If You Want To
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly…
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,
BiLLY
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a friggin book so you can learn to read and write? I’m
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. . Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. . .
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
could I have one? ? ?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney-ass begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater, AGAIN ! ! ! !
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”; that’s why you’re getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in
a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Lexus: Delusions to Remember
With the Christmas season upon us, no doubt you’ve seen those preposterous Lexus “December to Remember” TV commercials that are all over the airwaves. You know the ones where the girl gives the guy a brand new Lexus with a big red bow on it as a Christmas gift.
First off, who are these astonishingly pompous people and how can I find them and get on the gift list? Seriously, is this act of ultra-extravagant gift-giving commonplace somewhere we common folk don’t know about? What the hell happened to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?!?
Just imagine the alternate reality of dating one of these Diva’s? She queues up the faint sound of Silent Night, dims the house lights, sets the Christmas lights to extra sparkle and leads you (like a Vogue model Elf) to the driveway where your brand spanking shiny new Lexus is red-bowed and awaiting your butt cheeks.
At first glance you think “NO WAY UNBELIEVABLY FREAK’N AWESOME YOU ARE THE BEST!!!” Then, 3.4 seconds later you think, “Crap, I don’t have anything that even remotely compares to this! Doesn’t matter that her mitten/scarf set is from K-Mart’s new Sophia Vegara line, she’s still gonna think I’m a schlub.” See photo for this precise moment when joy left his body.
And so it begins… From this moment on, you will forever have to raise your gift giving game to humongous heights or suffer deep-seated woefully inadequate schlub feelings.
How about stocking stuffers? Your Ms. Claus has your Presidential-looking stocking stuffed with a variety of Robb Reports recommended gifts for the fashionably elite; Patek Philippe watch, Gold & Diamond iPhone, Gucci wallet, Habano Cuban cigars and 2 luxury-suite box seats to the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, you stuffed her sorry sad sack with a deodorant stick, a thong and a small bottle of CVS brand body lotion. Schlub.
Roses for your anniversary? Only if you want to officially carve your Schlubery in stone. After all, last year she bought you a quaint Italian restaurant, personal chef, wine cellar and virtuoso violinist. Bitch.
Should you find yourself in this predicament, unable to side-step the wealth of riches granted upon you, try and make the best of it. At times, you may be uncomfortable flaunting your new Lexus to the less fortunate and those struggling in todays down economy but just grin and bear it. ‘Tis The Season after all.
Happy Ho Ho! 🙂
Steve
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UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE 