UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
You Can Dance If You Want To
Amazing Korean Horse Humping Fitness Machine!
Ever get the urge to do wild pelvic thrusts in your living room but you’re worried you may dislocate your spine, or worse, not burn enough calories? Well those crafty Koreans have just the product for you… “The Ace Power Horse Riding Fitness Machine!”
Now you can perform all sorts of normally obscene pelvic thrusts and lose 6 or 7 calories too!
As demonstrated by the woman in the snazzy mouse fur jump suit, jello people who could not previously stand with their arms in front of them now have the stability of people with skeletal structure just by using this miracle machine!
I’m not sure what the couple towards the end of the commercial are talking about as he happily humps away but I’m betting it’s something frisky 🙂
Order Now!
Remembering an American Icon
Dear Friends,
It is with a heavy heart that I pass on the following tragic news. Please join me in remembering a great icon…
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Towards the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, it was not to be.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Rest in pieces
Steve 🙂
Get Back Your ME Time with Nap Time!
Let’s face it, kids suck. Their constant blabbering about their needs is nothing but a headache and totally ruins any enjoyment of the important things you want to do like sit, watch TV or “adult stuff”. Luckily, there’s a new product on the market to put a cork in their whinny pie holes so you can get on with what really matters… You!
Nap Time is a revolutionary product with a super special formula developed by military scientists from NASA who do other super special stuff too.
Follow U.S. on Pinterest
UNCONTROLLED SUBSTANCE 